Guilt of enjoying touch

Guilt and shame over enjoying a massage is more common than one would expect. Many feel guilt over relaxing and doing nothing. Others feel guilt over pampering themselves. Some feel guilt over spending the money. And others again feel guilt over enjoying the physical touch and the sensuality of the massage.

Most of these things you can speak about with others. But enjoying touch is a taboo, sexualizing touch is considered a very bad thing. Hence the impossibility for most to speak about it with anyone.

It is completely natural to enjoy a touch. Touch is by nature pleasant and enjoyable. But in our society there's unfortunately often only two types of touch. The violent touch and the erotic touch. We have a tendency to think of any pleasant touch as sexual.

Guilt and shame then arises when something we know logically to be a pleasant non-sexual touch is felt as sexual. A massage of sensitive areas gives an erection and a coincidental brush against the private parts becomes sexually charged. This is also true for women, though much less visible than on men.

It's important to realize that the sexualizing of touch is a social conditioning. It's a result of how we were raised and the society we live in. It's something we've been taught from a young age and as result it's become a habit, part of who and what we are.

Much practice and concentration is needed to fully disassociate pleasant touch from sexual touch. We need to focus on conditioning ourselves to accept enjoyable touch as non-sexual. Once the association between pleasant touch and sexual touch has been broken, arousals during massages will practically disappear.

Some find it necessary to masturbate after receiving a massage as the touch and physical closeness creates an arousal. Allowing for this need to be sated can have the unfortunate side-effect of even more strongly associate massage and touch with sexual pleasure. This will in return intensify the bodily reactions during a massage, which can be embarrassing for both therapist and client.

The answer to the question on how to break this social conditioning is rather simple. You need to keep in mind that there's nothing wrong in enjoying a massage, nor is there anything wrong in arousal during different situations. Arousal happens to us all several times a day in many different situations. So guilt and shame are unfounded. They only serve to make the situation even harder to deal with.

In order to break the conditioning, it's important to disassociate touch and sexual pleasure. So instead of thinking about the nice massage while masturbating, use another fantasy or scenery instead. Or find pleasure with your lover and do not think of the massage which brought the arousal. It is a bit in the same league as the saying "Gather appetite out, eat at home." We receive sexual inspiration from many different sources.

It is important that it's not the massage that's used as inspiration during masturbation, but something completely unrelated. This way you avoid conditioning yourself to even further associate pleasant touch with sexual touch. The intent of receiving the massage should not become sexually charged. The intent of a massage should be to relax and let go, enjoying touch without expecting anything sexual to happen.

Changing conditionings are difficult, habits can be very hard to break. It will take conscious effort to succeed, and for some obtaining help and guidance from a professional might be what will make the real difference. Do keep in mind though, the conditioning is not a sickness or abnormality. It's a natural part of our society and upbringing.

Achieve the best massage for yourself

Upon the suggestion from a reader, I here give my advice on how to gain the most benefits from a massage. This is by no means any final list or true for everybody, but aimed to give you inspiration on how to make -your- next massage experience something even better than normally.

Before the massage, as a physical and mental preparation:

• Bathe or shower so you're clean and not embarrassed about how you might smell. Shave or wax if you're worried about body-hair and how you might look.
• Don't wear heavy make-up or spend hours on your hair. It's likely going to be messed up anyway during the massage session.
• Turn of your phone, redirect calls and make sure you've blocked this time in your calendar. There's nothing worse than a phone ringing while you're in heaven.
• Look forward to the massage, think about it as something great that you deserve.
  
• Before the massage, mentally prepare yourself to receive and enjoy. Deep breathing, a quick meditation, sitting in silence for a couple of minutes will all help achieve this goal.
• Don't drink alcohol or eat just before a massage. If you've been intoxicated, wait at least 24 hours until you have your massage.
  

 During the massage:

• Breathe deeply, focus on your breath and feel how you relax. The therapist will often work with your breath, pressing while you exhale and releasing while you inhale. Stretches also benefit from deep breathing.
• Dismiss unrelated thoughts. Let go of that meeting next week, don't worry about the shopping list, don't think about work, studies or family. Just be in the now and enjoy it. Your brain will be grateful for that break from daily stresses.
• Focus on the massage and use it as a means of meditation. Notice how your body reacts to the touch, where sore points are and how everything eases up and relaxes as the therapist works her magic, or
  
• Focus on the music and allow yourself to drift away in relaxation and pleasure.
• Dismiss all worries about how you look or your body reacts. You're lying there, passive, receiving a massage. There's nothing you can do about those unshaven legs or your bad hair-day. There's nothing you can do about those thick thighs or that erection. Just stop worrying, and be assured that the therapist has seen it all before and doesn't care one tiny bit about it.

After the massage:

• Take time to come back and don't instantly jump into the stress of life and work. Give yourself time to feel your body and your relaxation afterwards. Accept if they offer you a cup of tea or glass of water.
• If the spa/clinic offers it, take a shower, sit in the hamam/steam-room and enjoy their services for a bit longer.
  
• Drink plenty of water then next couple of days. It will help detoxify your system after the massage has kicked things into motion.
• Eat a good healthy meal. You've just treated your body wonderful, keep it up for a while longer. Listen to your instinct, it'll often tell you to eat lightly and lots of greens.
• Don't become intoxicated for a day or two after the massage. The metabolism is working at a higher speed than usually and the harmful effects of alcohol will be greater. That said, there's nothing wrong in enjoying a glass of wine with a meal.
• Laugh and appreciate beautiful things.
  

With some massage types it's beneficial to work out just before or after the massage to help the metabolism and gain greater results from both exercise and massage.

Do you have any ideas and suggestions on how to make a massage experience even better? Please share your thoughts below in the comments.

Is massage for me?

Image via Wikipedia

Yes. I can answer yes to that question without hesitation. Practically all people can receive a massage. Due to various contraindications, the type and style of massage that suits you the best might vary. But everybody can benefit from and enjoy a massage.

Many people let questions and uncertainties stop them from trying massage. They might have the desire for years or decades, but due to fears or lack of knowledge never get around to it. There are many reasons why to massage get massage, as I've covered in previous articles: 7 good reasons to get massage, Why get massages, Massage and stress, Massage relieves burnt-out, and many more.

In this article I will focus the questions and excuses that often hinders people from getting that first massage.

I'm worried I might get an erection
Erections are a completely normal bodily reaction during a massage, especially in the beginning. The therapists are aware of this and do not get offended. We're taught at the massage schools why those things happen and how to deal with it.

I don't like the thought of being naked
Every massage therapist will respect your privacy and modesty. While you get undressed they will leave the room and you can crawl under the sheet/towel without them seeing you. You can always ask the therapist for more cover if you're uncomfortable. Some massage styles, such as Lomi Lomi are best done with the client nude, so don't  hesitate to ask the therapist about his or her particular massage. In the US it's required to use draping during a massage, and in many other countries it's the norm.

Is my weight a problem?
Severe overweight pose challenges to the therapist when dealing with specific injuries and pains. Some might not be trained to deal with it, or possess the best tools. That said, you can still benefit from other styles of massage, so ask your therapist about your particular case and what you wish to achieve. There are more details in my article Massage and overweight.

I don't like my (insert body-part) being touched/massaged
Tell the therapist and simply request that you're not massage there. Unless there's a medical reason to massage that particular area, any therapist will respect your wishes.

I haven't shaved/waxed my legs
It doesn't matter. We as therapists pay much less attention to how well waxed/shaved your body might be and the amount of body-hair present. There will be no difference in the quality of the massage with shaved or unshaven legs. Excessive amounts of body-hair pose a different challenge, but therapists are trained and has tools which to deal with it. In my article Massage and body hair you can find more information.

I suffer from a skin-condition
Speak to your therapist about your skin-condition and together you can find a massage that suits your particular case. The therapist will appreciate to  be notified so she can prepare the massage.

I want a female/male therapist only
For many the gender of the therapist plays a role and it's completely natural to have preferences. Don't be shy and simply ask your spa/clinic about the therapists and request what you want. Once you're comfortable about massages, I encourage you to try the other gender as well.

What if I fart during the massage?
Don't worry. We're used to it and it happens to every one. Farting is simply a symptom of you relaxing and your system working. The therapist won't comment upon it afterwards, nor look at you oddly.

I'm pregnant
Pregnant women can greatly benefit from massage. Just make sure that your therapist is trained in pregnancy massage as there are certain things to be aware of and take into consideration.

I can't afford it
While money always is a problem and a hindrance for many things, it also comes down to your priorities and choices. An option could be to try a shorter and cheaper session instead of a full body massage. Perhaps try a 20 minutes shoulder and back massage, a 10 minutes chair massage or perhaps a 15 minutes foot massage. It is better to do a shorter treatment at a good massage therapist, than do a full massage by a poor massage therapist. Avoid the discount places and go for quality.

I don't like being passive
Massage can be a rather passive experience and some people become restless. There are massage styles which suit any type of personality, so ask around and study the different forms of massage. Thai-massage and Shiatsu can feel much more active than a Swedish massage and Watsu (shiatsu in water) requires your full engagement. You can also start by a short session and see where your time-limit lies. For many of us it's a challenge to just let go and receive. We're so used to being active and busy all the time and idleness is frowned upon in our society. Sometimes it's really good to challenge ourselves and just do nothing, letting the body and mind find a new balance and allowing us to truly feel ourselves.

I'm allergic
Always notify your massage therapist if you're allergic. There are many products out there that the therapist can use. So by telling what you're allergic to, the therapist can ensure that you're not exposed to anything bad for you.

I'm on medication
Notify your therapist and let him know what you're medicated for and what you're taking. You might get a referral to another therapist or be recommended to wait until you're no longer on medication. If it's long-term medication, there are massage methods and techniques which are safe to give.

I don't like to be touched
Massage is a touch therapy and touch is part of it. That said, there are techniques and methods where the therapist's hands don't touch you or only touch you minimally. Instead tools such as bamboo sticks, stones and tampons do the actual touching and massaging. Styles such as Shiatsu focus more on helping you stretch or works on pressure points which again reduces the amount of touching.

I don't like the music played
This is easy. Simply notify the therapist and ask for some other music. Many therapists will allow you to look through their collection so you can pick what you like. Alternatively you can even bring along some of your own music. The important factor is that you relax and enjoy the session.

What if I need to go to the toilet in the middle of a massage
Speak up, ask the therapist to pause while you visit the bathroom. It's better for you and your relaxation that you go to the toilet than holding it for 45 minutes.

A few general things to mention:
- Don't get a massage if you're influenced by alcohol or drugs (the illegal kind). Wait at least 24 hours so it's entirely out of your system.
- Wait at least an hour after eating a meal so your system has a chance to digest the food. Neither come just before a meal as your hunger might distract you from the massage.
- If you're sick, wait until you're well again. For long term illnesses, certain styles of massage can be very beneficial, but speak to the therapist about your particular case.

This should cover the most common questions asked. If you have any further questions, please post them in the comments below and I will gladly answer them.